I used to have a job with an actual desk, a breakroom with semi-stale doughnuts, and coworkers who didn’t throw sippy cups at my face. But now? Now I report to a tiny human in pajamas with applesauce on their eyebrows—and I work for snacks. Their snacks. Sometimes mine, if I hide well enough.
Let me explain how this happened…
The Takeover Was Swift
It started innocently. One day, my toddler asked for milk. The next day, they demanded it, with a glare that said, “And you better warm it to exactly 94.5°F or so help me, I will lose my tiny mind.” And just like that, I became the on-call barista to a customer who tips in half-chewed crackers.
Nap schedules? Negotiated like international peace treaties. Snack offerings? Must be approved by The Boss. TV time? Only shows where animated animals break into song every 11 seconds.
Daily Life Under Toddler Management
Here’s a sample of how my workday goes now:
- 7:00 AM – Woken up by a scream that translates to, “The sun is up, and so should you be!”
- 8:00 AM – “No pants!” is declared as law. Pants are now the enemy.
- 9:00 AM – Served 3 different breakfast options. All rejected. Cheerios eaten off the floor. That’s acceptable cuisine, apparently.
- 11:00 AM – Attempted negotiation over toy rights ends in tears. (Mine.)
- 2:00 PM – Toddler naps. I stare at the wall, emotionally recovering.
- 4:00 PM – A meltdown over a broken banana. (You know the one where it splits at the top and suddenly becomes unworthy of existence.)
- 6:00 PM – Bedtime routine begins. Ends sometime next Thursday.
But Here’s the Beautiful Truth…
Yes, my toddler is basically my boss. And I’m overworked, under-showered, and paid exclusively in cuddles and crumbs.
But this little boss of mine? They remind me to slow down. To find joy in puddles, socks with dinosaurs, and dancing to music with zero rhythm. They challenge me daily—my patience, creativity, and ability to function on 4 hours of sleep. 🫠
And sometimes, just sometimes, amidst the chaos and yogurt smears, I get the tightest hug or hear a whispered “wuv you.” And I remember—I’d work for those “benefits” forever.
Survival Tips for Fellow Employees of Toddlers:
- Pick your battles. Is mismatched socks worth the war? Nope.
- Keep snacks everywhere. You and the boss both need them.
- Laugh more. It’s cheaper than therapy.
- Take breaks (when possible). Even bosses go on lunch.
- Celebrate small wins. Like brushing teeth without tears. That’s a holiday.
So yes, I work for a toddler. And while the hours are wild and the dress code is stained, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Just maybe… a warm coffee. Without floaties.
